Psychedelic Passage Community Member Spotlight: Leah B

Moving to California her senior year of high school after growing up in Iowa was a difficult transition. Still, she found a silver lining: meeting her husband at that very high school, and they’re still married, 18 years later. 

She went to school and became an ICU nurse, a profession she has held for the last 15 years. Psychedelics slowly revealed to her that, while she was helping people every day, she knew she could do more and that she wanted to find her true calling. 

That’s why, with her husband’s unwavering support, she made the conscious decision to step away from her role as an ICU nurse to focus on homeschooling and being a mom to her two little boys, ages 4 & 7. Just like she tells her kids to do when they grow up, she’s working to “find what her soul loves to do.”

She describes this “season” of her life as both difficult and beautiful, with “rebirth” as a common theme, along with the courage required for change and to live authentically. Through learning and unlearning old patterns, she’s also learning a lot about herself. 

Leah describes motherhood as one of the hardest things she’s ever had to do, but also a big reason why she wanted to explore this kind of inner work. 

If she were alone in this life, “this is fine” would be enough as she suffered in silence, but having two young boys relying on her was the real catalyst for change. Now she’s showing up better for herself and her loved ones. 

So let’s dive into our interview with Leah to learn about how she shed her depression and negative self-talk, how her life has changed, and how psychedelics played a role in this transformation.

This interview is brought to you by the Psychedelic Passage podcast, which you can listen to on all streaming platforms.

This content briefly mentions suicide ideation. If you or someone you know is struggling with this, call or text 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or live chat at 988lifeline.org.

Do you think your work with psychedelic medicines has informed wanting to leave nursing and start a new chapter and focus more on being with the kids?

Leah B: “Definitely. I feel like I have always wanted to help people. And I feel like in ICU I did help people. I don’t feel like to the best of my ability or in the ways that I wanted to help people. I feel like coming to terms with going to school and having this ideal in your head and then going to the actual workplace was a big shock for me.

So it was kind of something that I always had in the back of my mind, but I’m like, I worked so hard and so I’m just gonna stick with it. And probably from the beginning of my work with psychedelics, I would have that come up a little bit, like every ceremony.

And then like it would come up a little bit stronger. And I would realize, this is not bringing me joy, this is not serving me, this is actually hurting me.

So the last time that I did ayahuasca in January, I did it with my husband. We went back to our room after the ceremony, and my husband told me, ‘I want you to quit your job.’ And I was just like, ‘What?’ And he told me, ‘I know that you don’t love it. I know it doesn’t bring you joy. I want you to be able to find something that your soul loves to do.’

He’s been very supportive. And I’ve had moments where it’s been like an existential crisis, like my God, if I’m not a nurse, then like who am I? And he has talked me down a lot. 

Before writing my letter of resignation, I’m sitting there and I’m shaking. I’m like, do I really want to do this? I’m per diem. I can do four days a month. Like it’s not horrible. And he’s like, ‘No, stop it. You know that you don’t want to do this anymore.’

And he’s like, ‘You accomplished so much, it’s not like you haven’t done anything. So people can come to you and ask you what do you do?’ Well, I was an ICU nurse for fifteen years and now I’m a mom.” 

Bree, Community Steward: Our identity really can get so wrapped into this accomplishment: what we’re doing, what’s taking up our time, all of these things. And we’re so much more complex than that as humans, you know? 

It gave me chills when you were saying you did the ceremony with your husband, and then that was part of the post-ceremony integration, that conversation. I’m so happy to hear you have that support in your life and that the message became clear. 

It sounded like it was tickling you. And what I heard is you were listening, listening deeper and deeper. And then it kind of came inevitable. So congratulations on this transition. I hope that you’re able to give yourself just a lot of grace and compassion for how brave you are too.

Leah B: “It’s also caused me to realize that our society is so focused on success and what it deems successful. It’s caused me to change how I’m parenting my kids. I am going to them saying, ‘I don’t care what you do. I want you to find something that you love to do.’ 

My brother, he doesn’t necessarily know what he wants to do. And I feel like he is very disappointed with himself that he is not more successful at this point in his life. 

That was a conversation that I had with him: ‘Go find something that you love. Don’t worry about how much money you’re going to make, because if you find something that you love to do, then you’ll be rich in many other ways.'”

Bree, Community Steward: What a powerful sentiment. I always like to remind myself life is short. And yes it is, but life feels long too at the same time. 

We do get to go through so many seasons and rebirths and versions of ourselves if we’re willing to show up in that way. Right? We have to be that active participant in life. Thank you for that reminder to all of us.

What kind of first drew you to working with psychedelics? When did you know in your life, ‘I’m curious about doing a ceremony or some work’ and how did that decision making go for you?

Leah B: “I was very depressed and it got to a point where I was suicidal and if something didn’t change then I probably wouldn’t be here. I feel like Western medicine kind of failed me. Through insurance I was only able to talk to my therapist every month and my psychiatrist like quarterly. And medicines wouldn’t work.

Or, they would just tell you, ‘okay, we’ll switch and we’ll up your dosage.’ Medicine was all that they wanted to throw at you. Pharmaceuticals were all that they wanted to throw at me anyways. 

And no one talked to me about meditation or just different things. So I did a lot of research on my own. A lot of research. 

First I found meditation and then I discovered Michael Pollan’s How to Change Your Mind. I watched the documentary on Netflix and then I read the book. And I was like, ‘Okay, I think that this is what I want to do.’ 

I went to my psychiatrist and I said, ‘Hey, I’m going to try psych psychedelics. Nothing else has worked for me.’

She laughed at me and was like, ‘I’m not helping you wean off your meds.’ And so I did it myself. I walked out of her office and I was like, ‘Okay, then I’m gonna do it myself.’ And I I did it myself. 

I microdosed and got myself off of antidepressants and then like I had found Psychedelic Passage at that point so I scheduled a ceremony.”

Bree, Community Steward: Thank you for sharing that. And I’m just sorry you went through that chapter in life and also hearing your resilience and strength, to be able to advocate for yourself, especially when you’re in that headspace, you know? 

To be able to take the reins a little bit. Like, I need to know what’s out there, even though you maybe didn’t have the energy or capacity to do that, right? Like still showing up in that way. and then tapering down.

Do you feel like with the tapering off your meds, did your background in the nursing field help you be able to do that? Or were there some resources like you were able to use either at Psychedelic Passage or other places too?

Leah B: “I don’t recall asking Psychedelic Passage for help, but I felt fairly confident in my ability to do it myself. I think maybe I did have a call where I had asked about it and like they said, you know, you can’t be on antidepressants and different things and that microdosing would help me.” 

What was the first psychedelic medicine you worked with? What was that like? Were you excited, skeptical, terrified?

Leah B: “I first worked with psilocybin and going into it honestly I feel like I was  really terrified. I was raised on all of the ‘don’t do drugs, drugs are bad,’ and ‘just say no.’ A big part of me was like, ‘Am I doing something wrong? Am I doing something immoral?’ 

I think that was really big for me the first time that I did psychedelics and I kind of just looked at it the way that you’re not supposed to look at it. I looked at it like a cure-all, like I’m going to get rid of my depression. And I looked at it through my nursing lens, there’s a lot of research, it’s promising, you’re not going to be depressed anymore. 

My first ceremony didn’t get rid of my depression. And I did not treat it the way that I treat medicine now. I did not look at it with reverence or as a ceremony, as something sacred. I just looked at it through my nursing lens, and from a scientific point of view, and a magic bullet that was gonna get rid of my depression.”

It sounds like you have a different relationship, hold a different intention now. What changed? When did you notice that change? So this first ceremony was more scientific, it’s research-backed. Tell us a little bit more about when you noticed that shift and it became a more sacred feeling or more like a ceremony.

Leah B: “My first ceremony was honestly very, very odd. I remember, like, those fake chickens? I remember those fake chickens and like barbed wire and just weird, weird things. 

Nothing made sense. And I was like, how the hell is this going to help me with my depression? Like doing all the things that I should not have been doing. I don’t know the exact point where it switched for me, but I did that ceremony in June and then the same year or the next year in January, I did my second ceremony with Psychedelic Passage.

That one, I don’t know where the shift occurred, but that one I totally went into it. Like, okay, this is sacred medicine. I don’t know where that came from, but it was in my mind and I treated it with reverence and respect and did the things that I was supposed to do for prep and really looked at it as medicine instead of a magic bullet that was going to get rid of my depression.”

Bree, Community Steward: I was curious because I know you’ve done quite a few different types of ceremonies. So I was wondering, did it take you five? You know? So to hear that it was your second one, it sounds like maybe in integration, whether you knew it or not from that first ceremony somewhere along the way, something maybe sunk in or something. 

Because that first ceremony felt weird, what do you think drew you to do another one? If you were like, well this will cure my depression and maybe that’s not what you got. Something had to have worked or switched, right?

Leah B: “I’m very much one of those people that think if something’s going wrong, well it must be my fault. So I was like, you know what, I probably just didn’t do it right. 

And I did kind of have, during integration and talking to the facilitator, moments where she would say, ‘Well, how is your negative self talk?’ And I was like, ‘I have not even noticed that.’ So I’m like, okay, something is working here. Even though I didn’t understand it, something is at play here. 

And so with that facilitator, I don’t know that it was the best fit for me. I went back and found another facilitator that I felt would be more of a match. That ceremony was a lot different in many different ways and yeah that one I have not been depressed since that one.” 

Recommended Reading: How to Choose the Right Psychedelic Guide

Bree, Community Steward: “Wow. I’m so, so happy to hear that. It sounds like you did the work though too after that first one because you were able to show up and you also showed up in a way that, hey, you know, maybe that last one wasn’t the right fit. 

For some people that might deter them, right? I didn’t like that experience or I didn’t like the facilitator, but you stayed dedicated and explored other options.”

I know that you worked with psychedelic passage facilitators, what was it like working with a facilitator and how did you find that process? What was that support like for you?

Leah B: “For the first time, I feel like I did not vet the facilitator or anything like that. I just feel like okay you’re the closest, sure, let’s do it. That’s that’s on me. After that I was like, okay, I need to find somebody that I feel comfortable with or who vibes with me a little bit more. 

The first facilitator, she was great too. We just didn’t vibe as much as I would have liked. So the second facilitator, her name is Kalyn and she was great. Working with her was just really great because I feel like she had written someplace, I think, that she’s like a soft place to land and she really is just like a soft place to land.

It was great having her there and just knowing that she had my back and whatever came up, she would be there and we would work through it together.” 

Bree, Community Steward: That’s such a good reminder to us all too, and I’ll first say, you didn’t do anything wrong, right? About choosing someone that was close to you. That’s an informed decision. That’s accessibility. That does take ease into factor. 

But really finding that fit, like you said, you found the person that you felt had your back. I feel this energetic alignment, whatever it is with Kalyn, you know? Good reminder to us all that are exploring psychedelic work. Working with people can play such an important role. 

What does integration look like for you from your psychedelic journeys? I’m sure that it’s been different after each, or sometimes similar, ceremony. But if you could share any nuggets that you’ve noticed have really supported you post-ceremonies, what would that be?

Leah B: “Integration can sometimes be messy. It’s been messy. I feel like giving yourself grace, for me, has been huge. 

Realizing that I’m one of those people that are like, ‘I can just do it all on my own,’ reaching out to community or your facilitator or your therapist and safe people that you can share things with, that has been huge for me. 

It’s been different, different times. Sometimes I get really into art, just letting myself go crazy with a paintbrush, and meditation, journaling, talking to your therapist, moving your body, being outside and nature, I feel like all of those things have really helped me. And just not abandoning myself.”

Bree, Community Steward: When you said integration can be messy, that’s so honest. That’s so real too. I feel like integration these days can sometimes be a buzzword. It’s an important buzzword, but, I think sometimes in the psychedelic space it can look like it’s the two weeks after or it’s the month after. 

Do you feel like you’ve had experiences where you’re getting insights a year or 6 months later from a journey? Is there anything you might want to share that you’ve noticed? I’m curious if there’s ever been anything that showed up and anything you do to kind of maintain that connection with your journeys.

Leah B: “I don’t feel like there’s an integration period of two weeks or three weeks or whatever. I feel like I’m still integrating my first journey that I had told you about that I thought was just completely weird. 

My beliefs and who I am as a person have changed so much since then and there were things that I was shown, like I was all of these different people. And now I’m kind of like, I think those were my past lives. That was a realization that I had a couple years after that journey. 

My last ayahuasca ceremony was in January. And so I was sitting here the other day, my mom had my kids, so I had a quiet moment to myself. And I was just like noticing how I was recognizing these things about myself. Like I am the type of person that I think negatively or I talk negatively, like I have negative self-talk, and I think that I let that color how I think other people view me. 

I’ve been kind of experimenting with that. I will try to have conversations with these people and tell myself, maybe I don’t actually know what they’re thinking. I need to put aside what I think they think of me and actually have a conversation with them and the conversations that I have, it turns out that they don’t think the negative things, and so I don’t know. 

That was kind of a backwards way of saying what I’m trying to say, but realizing that I am able to notice my patterns as they’re happening and then step in and interrupt them.”

Bree, Community Steward: That’s huge. That’s powerful. Our negative self-talk can be so loud and so powerful. And the fact that you are able to catch it and do this experimentation, that’s inspiring. That really feels like you’re taking charge of your healing because it’s important. 

Psychedelics can change our values, like I heard you say, and our perspective. When we see through a different lens, then we really do see things differently. I can relate to that in my own way. I have journeys that happened years ago that I still get insights for, and it’s pretty powerful. 

What are some of the other ceremonies that you’ve done? I know you’ve done other psychedelic substances besides psilocybin, if you feel open or called to share about any of those.

Leah B: “I have done MDMA, and I’ve done that intentionally with my husband for us to connect, and I have done ayahuasca.”

I know you did your psilocybin journeys first. After that, what drew you to explore different medicines? What was that process like? Was it an invitation? Was it an intuitive hit? Or what did that look like for you?

Leah B: “Yeah, it was very intuitive. I feel like I suddenly developed a deep interest in ayahuasca and was like, I need to try that. Kalyn actually recommended MDMA to me.

I had talked to her and was like, I’d like my husband to try psychedelics and I said, ‘but I’ve gone bad places like with psilocybin and I don’t want that to potentially happen.’ And he’s not into having a facilitator. 

And she told me, ‘Well, maybe you should try MDMA, because there’s not really a chance that you’re going to go someplace dark.’ That’s why we tried MDMA. 

Then with the ayahuasca, like I said, that was just a deep calling.”

Bree, Community Steward: Thank you for sharing that. It’s always interesting to hear where our journeys take us and then what invitations come in, what we respond to, or what your journey feels like. 

It’s like you advocated for yourself in a time that was really hard for you. You weren’t getting the support that you needed, then you followed that, you explored different facilitators, then you felt called to something, you got invited into MDMA, you know. So it’s always cool to just hear those different perspectives and how we get to where we are. 

How do you feel like community has shaped you during this process? It could be a community around psychedelics, our online community, or just your community; tell us a little bit about your relationship with community during your psychedelic explorations.

Leah B: “I did try to go back and talk to a couple different therapists and my psychiatrist about psychedelic use and it was not well received. 

They’re just like, ‘thanks for sharing that. I don’t know what to do with that.’ That made me feel alone. And community, the Psychedelic Passage community has been great.

Kalyn has been great. The community that I sit with for ayahuasca, they’re all great. It does really make you feel less alone because aside from that, I don’t know who I would be able to share with. 

As I have done more medicine, I feel like I do open up about it more with people. I kind of have a sense like, okay, I can talk to this person about this. 

I’ve talked to my mom about it and I’ve talked to my sister and my husband, and my husband does medicine now. But prior to that, I would talk to people and they’d kind of be like, ‘okay.’ And you worry about how people will view you differently.

I had lunch with my mom last week and she actually brought it up. She was like, ‘So, when you’ve done these things, what’s it like or what do you do? I’d be so scared that I would be a big crybaby.’ 

And I’m like, ‘Well, that’s a possibility. A lot of people are.’ That was really cool because she came to me and asked me about my experiences and I was just like, ‘Yeah, if you were ever interested in doing ayahuasca with me, that’d be cool, mom.’ 

I told her about how community is so supportive and has your back. They just have your back and I feel like I can contact any one of them and they would have a conversation with me or or be with me and whatever.” 

Bree, Community Steward: I’m so happy to hear that you found community in this space because it can feel isolating. Psychedelics are like Jimmy said, showing up to the work. It’s work, you know? With work can come challenges and vulnerability and loss. 

When we go through hard things, it can feel really isolating. Finding the people that you know are a safe space for you and that you can relate to as well, like not only that safety, but other people that might like be, yeah, I saw chickens one time too. It’s that relatability that can be really powerful in community too. 

Thinking about your mom, she knows you, right? She’s seen you across these years and this journey, probably some of your transparent formation, some of the things that have changed with you, maybe borders that have been softened or anything. 

I’m curious if you’ve ever gotten a reflection like that from anyone around you that maybe doesn’t know the work themselves, but has maybe seen some changes within you. Have you gotten any feedback like that?

Leah B: “I have, yes. like my sister has mentioned, ‘You seem different’ or ‘You seem better.’ She is kind of curious about medicine now as well. My therapist has not done psychedelics, but she is familiar with everything that I’ve done. She has mentioned lots of things. 

Like I said, I’m one of those people that, if something goes wrong, I think it’s my fault or I’m always one of those people that is like, ‘I must be doing it wrong,’ especially with integration. Integration is so ‘what am I supposed to be doing? I’m sure I’m not doing it right.’ 

I had a conversation with her a couple weeks ago and I told her I just struggle. I feel like I must not be doing it right. And she’s like, ‘Leah, I have seen you for how long? You are integrating. You are probably integrating more than you can imagine. You don’t see it because you don’t give yourself credit, but I see it and you have changed and transformed so much like over the time when I first met you.’

People that I worked with also would mention different things, like ‘You seem different, what’s up?’ or ‘You seem lighter, what’s going on with you?’”

Bree, Community Steward: That’s really cool to hear that you have a supportive therapist now. I’m sorry that some of the providers you were working with before couldn’t offer you that, but it sounds like you found the right support now and I think with integration, it can sometimes feel like there’s a submit button, right? 

Like I’m supposed to do it, and then, did I pass? Is it done? I made the painting. And your therapist reminded you you’re doing it, probably in your sleep too, right? In your dream time, you know, all these things. 

And I think it’s just one of those quiet aspects of working, doing this work with different psychedelic medicines, you know, is that the insights continue to pour through and it’s slow and it’s quiet, and I think that’s the beauty of it too, because we could all slow down more. 

Is there anything else that you feel like you want to share, Leah, that maybe we didn’t touch on that feels important for anyone to know or anything that you feel is insightful to share with us?

Leah B: I’m just really thankful to the medicine and for Psychedelic Passage. I don’t think that I would have felt comfortable to do it without you guys. I feel like you opened up my world to where I am now, because I could not have done it alone.”

Bree, Community Steward: That’s so beautiful to hear. I’m sure Jimmy’s touched, We’re all touched to hear that. Remember how much you’ve shown up in this process too. It is so important that we do find that support and we find the safe spaces, which absolutely is Psychedelic Passage, I fully believe. 

We have to be that active participant in it too to continue and show up to do the hard work. I commend your path and your journey, Leah. And I’m so grateful for you sharing some of it with us tonight.